»—-so here we are so close to the holidays. everyones all like “fuckin yay candy and shiny pine trees”. i havnt been a fan of the holidays for quite some time now. my father killed himself when i was 14 (am 27 now), many friends passed over the years from O.D’s, crashes, bike wrecks, suicides, my niece passed when she was 2 from SIDS, yaa just never wanted anything to do with these holidays. im not a bitter person by any means. im typically hyperactive and always saying extremely inappropriate things gettin people to laugh but with my hopa passing, Jeff, i just cant do this shit anymore. yall have read my other posts from the middle of the night when the world crashes down upon me again and again so yall know what im talking about and how i feel.
i know you cant rush grief and have to let it run its course but for fucks sakes i dont know if im just missing him, or if i cant let go, i dont fucking know?? im a feeler not a thinker…my body literately writhes in pain when i break down. i cant help it. something will remind me of him and theres a few triggers that just set me ff and i cant stop untill its done. i feel fucking pathetic, i feel selfish and weak. i know he doesnt want this from me. but dammit it happens and i cant control it. i loved him so much, and still love him. holding his hand in the hospital for four days made such an impact, i cant shake the feelings, the memories. they flash over and over in my head and i cant stop crying untill either i do, or i fall asleep.
i just dont know. i have bacon country gravy mix i got for him on my way back from a powwow…he loved bacon…and now i wont be able to give it to him. i had beadwork for him we were designing, and now my hearts starting up, yay. anxiety’s a bitch. im tired and im sure none of this makes sense but fuck off it doesnt have to its my blog. thank you to whomever reads this. there are days i want to walk out into the cold night and just cry untill i fall to my knees and sleep then die. this world is just lackluster without him. i dont know. thanks for readin —->
Coming out of the closet to family members can be one of the most difficult and terrifying things a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) teenager can go through — especially when you’re not sure what the reaction will be. In this emotional and heartwarming video, a teenage boy, referred to as “Ryan” in the YouTube comments, secretly records his decision to come out as gay to his mother.
»—- I got very lucky with my family..and it is sad to even have to say that. Still tearing up about this. I never felt comfortable telling my mom aspects of my life and I really had no reason not to. She never did me wrong. But you know how it goes with not knowing about the reaction and such. I never had an official coming out or even “Ma, Im Gay.” moment. Karri ( my ex) at the time was the “roomate” I had moved in with, the three of us went to dinner at Green Mill in Roseville. How it all went down was she looked at him, she looked at me, and simply said “You know I know right?” LOL—->
laughing so hard at Lady Gaga’s $25,000,000 Artpop promotion escapade vs Beyonce just dropping an album and saying ‘surprise’
»—-have lots to vent about tonight heads up to those who actually read my shit…which i love that you do…if you do…whomever you are. thank you….fuck im awkward.—->
»—-numb. so numb—->